2017年06月17日

エディターさんからの批評・その3


またまたエディターさんからの評が返ってきましたよ!

I don't think it's trite, but I can see that you're struggling with it more than with some of the other scenes that flow more naturally. I think you should keep it because it shows a different side of Tim, which is good. That said, I think it can be improved. As you work on it, my suggestion is to spend more time thinking about the relationship between Tim and his friend. As the scene is now, I can't get a good sense of how well Tim and his friend know each other. For me as a reader, some of the awkwardness in the scene comes from this lack of clarity about how well the main characters know each other, and in what context(s) they know each other. You might start there, and then see what happens as you revise the scene.



頭の中ではイメージは出来ているのに、いざ書いてみると
難しいですね!

読者の時は「表現がわざとらしい」「この構成がおかしい」と
目に付くのですが、自然に書くのはかなりの技術が要すると
分かりました。

まだまだ頑張ります!!


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レミーをもらいました!!


posted by yuki at 18:27| Comment(0) | 進捗状況 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2017年06月13日

エディターさんからの批評・続き

またまたフィードバックが返ってきました。

The only widespread issue I noticed was a lack of descriptive terms in your stage directions. Since this is a play, your stage directions should provide more detail about the setting and the characters' actions and reactions, but they should still be written out as directions. Be specific in your stage directions. Provide guidance for where the characters move, how they act and what their emotional state is. Such descriptions will allow actors to play a scene in a fashion more in line with the author's original vision. For example, don't simply say "James gets mad and knocks over a vase", say "James turns from Jane in a rage, storms across the room and throws a vase to the floor".


そうか〜、人物の方向とかまで気を使わないといけないのね。
頭の中が色々いっぱいだ…。

今週はカメラ撮影を習うので、何とか身に着けたいです…(希望)。

こんなに険しい作家への道…

P1230571.jpg

またはこうかも?

YXIwMTVu.jpg
posted by yuki at 11:01| Comment(2) | 進捗状況 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2017年06月05日

こんな感じでやってます☆彡


全然更新しなくてすみません。書いてるんですよ。
昨日は誕生日だったので、お友達とお祝いしてもらって
お酒を飲み過ぎました。(←カンケーない)

脚本を書いて送って、読んでもらったエディターさんからの批評です。

Like the other script you sent, this one has an interesting premise and a twist at the end. These seem to be some of the hallmarks of your work! I like what you have done here in focusing on Josephine's experiences up until the penultimate scene, when you turn to the baker and his mate to show us how limited our view of the world has been in focusing exclusively on Josephine's problems. The final moment--when Josephine comments on her lack of luck and everything being up to her-- underscores the importance of developing a broader perspective and realizing that we don't live or struggle in isolation, although it may seem that way at times. I wonder if there are ways for you to develop this theme more fully in the body of the script? For example, can you have Josephine express more of a sense of isolation or a feeling that she is the only one who has difficulties?



さすがプロのエディターさんだけあって、話の弱点を突いてきています。
適切な批評はありがたいですね。
私は子どもの頃から漫画を描いていたので、オチをつけるのは上手なんですよ!
(←自分で言うな)。しかし話が進むにつれて徐々に引き込んでいくとか、
関連したエピソードを膨らませるとか、そういうテクニックも必要とされます。
これからさらに技術を磨いていきたいと思います。

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この年になると、誕生日って微妙ですね…(^-^;
posted by yuki at 11:07| Comment(8) | 進捗状況 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする